Demolition Derby

I wanted to write a short note and wish you a final farewell, for Saturday is the Utah County Fair Demolition Derby in Spanish Fork. If I am killed, may this note serve as a memory of my existence. ---------- It was 1969. Richard Nixon was president, turmoil is brewing in Vietnam and Neil Armstrong takes the first steps on the Moon in the Apollo 11 mission (July 20^th). The New York Mets defeat the Baltimore Orioles in an unprecedented victory and one of the greatest baseball upsets of all time. Ford was producing millions of cars, including the Falcon, Fairlane, Torino, Ranchero, Pickup, LTD, Thunderbird, Mustang, and Galaxie.

I will be driving one of those Galaxies.

A 1969 Galaxie 500 Sports Roof. 1 of 217 made. The car began its life with a woman named Norma Anderson who purchased the car brand new in 1969 at a Ford/Mercury dealer in Ft. Collins, Colorado. The car was garage kept and driven every day for 30 years. Gentle care kept the car in showroom condition until the transmission failed with about 75,000 miles on it, she then gave the car to her grandson who now resides in Nephi, UT. He repaired the transmission and drove it for several years before an electrical issue caused the interior of the car to be burned to a crisp… it was more or less a total loss. It sat in his backyard until my neighbor in Spanish Fork sourced the car to participate in a demolition derby for a scene in an (apparently) upcoming LDS film. The car was half prepared for a derby so that it would look like a derby car, but didn’t actually function as one. The plan was to get a couple great wrecks on film, then trash the car. As luck would have it, the first hit in the scene caused a small part to fail in the engine would rendered the car useless. The car was towed back to the pit area and put back on the trailer where it would later be towed to a gravel pit and blown up in a last ditch effort to salvage some production value. After it was burned to a crisp (again), I happen to be driving by when my neighbor was unloading the car at his house, and I offered to buy it for $150. After tearing the engine down, it turns out all it needed was a timing chain for $27. The derby will be a fitting end for this old girl. She lived a glorious life and will go out in another blaze of glory (preferably without me inside of the car). It took three months to prepare, tireless welding, cutting, hammering and engine tuning.

I plan to destroy her in about 6 minutes.

This is my second derby. In 2009 I ran a 1988 Chrysler Fifth Avenue. The car was given to me by a woman who won the car in a divorce settlement. The car was her husband’s and she wanted to see it destroyed, despite having only 65,000 original miles and in mint condition. She attended the derby, filmed the entire thing (she thanked me graciously afterwards). Later on the that heat, my car caught on fire due to a pinched fuel line. To this day, I am the only one who has ever caught fire in the history of the Utah County Fair Derby. I was on the front page of the Spanish Fork press, the entry form for the next year’s derby and an instant celebrity around town. I had people from all walks sending facebook friends requests, emails and phone calls. “Were you the guy that caught on fire?!” It was true euphoria for me… total star power. Because of that, and because of my dangerous, risk-taking lifestyle, I was drawn to the derby again this year with my 69’ Galaxie 500, dubbed: “Proud Mary”.

LONG LIVE DEMOLITION DERBY!

-Serrated

Cancer

I was having a conversation with a colleague and he said something profound. It's caused me to research and reevaluate my stance on the whole brain tumor/cell phone thing. He said, "Perception is 90% of reality, isn't it?" while referring to Cigarettes. Tobacco products are perceived as "bad", right? It's continually beaten into our heads from a young age that they will give us cancer and all manner of other health ailments. The majority of lung cancer related deaths are in people from ages 65-74. I think it's safe to assume that most people start smoking at a young age... perhaps 18-20. Logical deduction concludes that it takes 30 or 40 years of smoking to contract lung cancer.

That begs the question.... What will 30 or 40 years of compulsive cell phone use do to our brains?

It's impossible to say at this point. Cell phones have only been around in the mainstream for 10 or 15 years and there's compelling evidence to indicate that cell phone use does increase the chances of a brain tumor.

Scary huh?

Just a quick note to think about.

-Serrated

RE: My Thoughts on the Think Tank

This is a reply to October 29th's installment. I'm writing about this again because I've conjured great joy in this achievement today. It was a victory for all men everywhere, except for one person, the man in the adjacent stall.

Let's rewind the clocks to 8:31am Mountain Time, April 1, 2011...

I walked into the restroom and proceeded to my favorite stall at the end of the room. There are obvious advantages of said handicapped stall such as, lots of room to move about, the handles on the wall to assist the standing up of the body, and the considerably larger bowl. However, there is one critical flaw. This stall has a door that opens outward, unlike the others which open inward. The inward opening stalls are easy to identify when they are in use. The door is shut. When they aren't in use, the door is slightly cracked, making it a simple task to identify an empty stall. On the flip-side, my favorite stall's door opens outward to accommodate those who may use alternative means of locomotion. Because of this, when the stall is empty, the door swings shut giving the illusion that it may or may not be in use. It's a gamble. Today, I took the gamble as I do most every day. Fate was not on my side, because as I put my hand on the lever to open the door, I was denied. The door was locked. A deep sinking feeling became my stomach. I was presented with several options at this point... do I leave the restroom and come back later? Should I select another stall to use? Decisions, decisions. I kindly responded with "Sorry..." My attempt to open his stall door must have been startling! Little did he know, the only thing I apologized for was the sequence of events that were about to unfold........

It was war.

I went into the adjacent stall. From past experiences, I've learned that other people in the bathroom refuse to make noise, resulting in awkward silence, thus forcing me to make the first noise. Today, it wasn't going to happen. I was armed with my new Droid phone equipped with Angry Birds. I whipped out the phone and played Angry Birds for what seemed like 5-10 minutes with absolutely no noise coming from the adjacent stall. I'd stay there all day if I had to. I wasn't going to loose this time. After the 20 or 30th level of Angry Birds, the man in the adjacent stall relented. I heard the unmistakable sound of the toilet paper roll spinning in the dispenser.

Victory!

There is no amount of propaganda, intimidation or demoralizing that can get the best of me. The handicapped stall is MINE and when faced with being forced to use the crappier stall (pun intended), I will fight with vigor, perseverance and determination. YOU WILL be the first to flush and leave. There WILL be peace in the men's restroom weather you like it or not! And so it shall be, amen.

-Serrated

It's that season again...

It's that season again! A season of giving and being thankful! I recently gave myself a brand new Emerson 1.8 cubic foot "mini" fridge. I brought it home and excitedly opened the box. I sat it out on the table... and then I saw it. A massive "ENERGYGUIDE" label constructed only of paper, glue, discontent and frustration. For some reason, they felt the need to plaster it right on the front of the fridge; in a place that was sure to require removal.

This is yet another example of a problem that has plagued me for years. For some reason, manufacturers seem hell-bent on using these paper labels despite the obvious inconvenience placed upon their consumers. For a few cents more, these guys could use a plastic label which completely comes off when you pull it. The paper label tore despite my best efforts to be patient and slow; trying 4 times, once in each corner.

You would think that these people are smart... Somehow they've figured out how to engineer a complex appliance. Their designers have mastered refrigeration and efficiency. The paper pushers have mastered the art of logistics, offshore manufacturing and countless other financial feats. It required a behemoth global effort to put this fridge in my hands. Yet these people cannot seem to master the simple task of proper placement of a freaking label. If it really came down to the cost of the label, why couldn't they have put the label on the back... or hell, the SIDE of the fridge?! Worst part about all this, I actually damaged the finish on the fridge getting this label off. Now there's a permanent scar on my brand new fridge because of the incompetence of some amateur schmuck at Emerson. All I've got to say is "THANKS" and to remind you that karma can be quite unpleasant.

http://www.emersonradio.com/

-Serrated

My thoughts on the think tank...

You know? A man should be able to take a dump in peace, really. Is it that much to ask? When you go into the bathroom and there's somebody already in the stall next to you. They don't make a single noise. They don't move, they don't even breathe. They know that YOU know they are there yet this sit and don't make a move. Forcing you to let it all loose while they listen. I must have been in there for 4 minutes waiting for him to breath, cause I wanted him to relent first. If I had a newspaper to read, I would have stayed in there until every single last letter passed under my eyes. What a freaking awkward and displeasing visit to the loo. I would like to propose a federal law requiring the installation of speakers for the playing of music or a white noise generator in each bathroom across the country!
Furthermore, DON'T TALK TO ME in the bathroom, especially at the urinal. That's the cardinal rule of the men's bathroom. If you want to have watercooler talk, then speak to me at the sink... or THE WATERCOOLER!



-Serrated

The Top 12 Coolest Car Names

Let's try something a bit different and focus on some automotive chimera. An automobile with a meaningless name will never rank among the likes of such extravagance like the Ferrari Testarossa. The easiest way an automaker can doom a car is by giving it a name like "Tercel". If you continue on you'll read about twelve special cars that have always stood out to me.

1. Hyundai Genesis

Why is this car number one? Because it's Genesis. It's the beginning. The name is pretty

distinguished for a Hyundai but don't worry. There's ample car to go with the name. Hyundai really outdid themselves with this automobile. I've been quite impressed at the way things

have been going for this Korean car company. They have improved their offerings and overall quality tenfold in the last decade. However "Genesis" isn't just a cool name. It has true meaning and the technology to go with it. This car was designed with an enthusiast in mind... rear wheel drive. A 6 speed transmission. A V8 with massive literage compared to Hyundais in recent memory. Light weight construction. Great fit and finish and quality of materials. Most importantly it doesn't look like a pile of crap. (See: Hyundai Tiburon). This car didn't meet the accountant chopping block or perhaps it did but to a lesser degree. The power/drive train configuration and standard features are particularly appealing. I like it.

2. AMC Ambassador

Have you seen this car? This thing is like a seagoing barge with four wheels. Built by the American Motors Corporation. The same company that brought you the legendary 4.0L I6 from Jeep. I drove one of these cars years ago and I loved it. I don't know, but I seem to have a strange fascination with massive cars. Similar to this car and narrowly escaping this list was the Ford Galaxie. Must be the American gene kicking in.

3. Hudson Hornet

Classy. Probably one of my favorite cars from the era. Hudson merged with two other companies in 1954: Nash Motors and The Kelvinator Appliance company to form AMC. Two years prior to the merge, Kelvinator invented and released what is now known as the side by side refrigerator. One of the first frost free fridges. Quite the odd couple, eh?

4. Aston Martin Vanquish

Probably the most sexy car in the history of the universe. If looks could kill, it'd be that signature Aston grille. There's no mistaking the looks and sound of a V12 Aston.

5. Dodge Viper

America's best attempt at a super car. I've always loved some of the crazy concoctions from Ford and Shelby, but the Viper wins my heart all day long. Lusting after the crosshairs in the grille, I've been tempted by lesser Dodges before. Still, the Viper is one of the best names in the industry and it's got plenty of performance and style to go with it. America still does muscle best.

6. Toyota Supra

The only "Toy" to appear in the list. In generalities, I hate Japanese cars. I find them to be dull and boring appliances. But if I am being honest, I have to give the Supra it's dues. One of the coolest automobile names to ever come from Japan. If I am still being honest, I'd take a turbo Supra over a M3 any day.

7. AMC Javelin

AMC makes yet another appearance in this list. This is one of the most underrated cars I've ever seen. Take a look at the radical lines and unorthodox dimension attributes. This is a crazy cool car and for once it actually came with a name suitable for the styling. Once again... if looks could kill... Perhaps it did kill a lot of people with it's terrible crash ratings, but that wasn't the point here. This is a cool car with a cool name and it deserves a lot more credit than people give it.

8. Chrysler Imperial

Webster defines Imperial as "of superior or unusual size or excellence". This was Chrysler's flagship for decades and it really did set the bar for luxury. Other automakers tried but could never quite match the distinction and supremacy this car brought to the industry. No, Chrysler wasn't trying to impose communistic propaganda with this car, although many conspiracy theorists claim it did. This was a great time for Chrysler... Cadillac may have dominated the class, but the Imperial definitely out classed the Caddy. A great car and a cool name. Oh, and they make fantastic demolition derby cars too.

9. Ford Falcon

This car was named after an agile and vivacious bird. These damn birds have been clocked diving at speeds more than 200mph. Were talking about a small bird weighing less than a pound. Anyway, Ford picked a great name for one of the best selling compacts at the time. It went fisticuffs with the Plymouth Valiant, Studebaker Lark and Chevy Corvair. The car looks great and it was cheap.

10. AMC Gremlin

Ughh... another AMC!!! You might be thinking that I am biased to AMC by now, but can you blame me? Collectively, this company had better names for more cars than any Italian or German brand put together! The Gremlin was probably one of the ugliest cars ever made... outdone only by it's little brother the AMC Pacer (as made famous in Wayne's World). Ugly or not, the Gremlin will forever go down in history as one of the coolest names ever. I will own one of these things strictly for this reason.

11. Bentley Arnage

I can't say I particularly like this car but if I am being honest, it's got that classic English disposition. It's the very embodiment of British form. I'm sure they spent millions just developing the name for this car. Amongst other things, it has 500hp, seats made from one single piece of leather (and the barbed wire pricks the cow got into), to the 2500 year old wooden trim that was risen from the depths of the ocean to the wheels machined from one solid piece of aluminum. 6,000lbs of pure British excellence. Something you should expect from a $270,000 car.

12. Lamborghini Countach (koon - tosh)

Directly translated from Italian, this means "Oh Wow" or something beautiful or particularly striking. One example I heard a while back if you see a beautiful woman walking by, you'd say to your mate "Ooohhh countach!". This car definitely has the most radical design of any car in this list and it's got the energy and substance a true supercar should have. It was kind of crappy and unreliable, but it had a lot of the most important thing a car can have... Soul.

I hope this list opened your mind to the wonderful world of motoring. It's a huge part of our lives and culture. We should enjoy motoring and let it fill our lives with joy and excitement. The love of the automobile has changed my life forever.

-Serrated

Boycott Ebay!

I recently sold some items on Ebay. It's been a few years since I last had the opportunity of partaking from their services. In that amount of time, Ebay has nearly doubled the cost of doing business with them. They now charge a 9% commission on every single thing they sell. Couple this with the paypal fees, which are anywhere from 2-6%. My Paypal fees are 3.15%. So... to sell an item on Ebay, it cost me 12.15%. More than a tenth of the sale price. Forget making any profit.

Here's my scenario. I sold a brand new cell phone for about $112. Ebay took $9.45 immediately off the top. Then, paypal took about $4.00. Add my shipping charges to that, another $10. That's pretty much 1/4 of the total sale already eaten up before I even see a dime. RIDICULOUS! How is that sustainable?

The last nail in the casket (at least for me) is I learned that Ebay quadrupled their profits this quarter compared to the same quarter last year. Interesting. This company quadrupled their business when other businesses are going under and people are losing their shirts. Sure, that's a great business plan, but what about the employees and customers that built that business for you? I think this is a stab in the back. I for one will NEVER use ebay ever again. I will gladly let my items rot in a storage unit for all of time before I let Ebay make one more penny off the sale of my products. A small fee is acceptable, but 10-20% off the top before I see a dime is highway robbery. I'll just take my stuff to the free classifieds or pawn shops for that matter.

SCREW EBAY!

http://www.ebay.com
http://www.paypal.com
http://www.craigslist.org


-Serrated